mennybeads (mennybeads) wrote,
mennybeads
mennybeads


I suppose this is the problem of the middle class, feeling like having a peak anyway would be an improvement over always being mediocre, inadequate, boring. I'm smart but not intelligent, I'm not ugly but I'm not pretty either, Not fat but not thin, I don't enjoy old literature as much as I used to when I was 14, but sometimes I lie about that so people don't lose that image of me. I like music but don't have a pronounced taste. I'm a little messy, just enough to be annoying to clean people, I'm just too lazy to finish everything neatly, but most of the time it's forgetfulness. All I've got is that I'm nice, but there's hardly any challenge in that. The last time someone was interested in me in any other way than friendship was when I was 15. I'm a vegetarian but not ouspokenly so, and I tell people I eat fish because of my blood, but really it's because I think food would be too boring without. Sometimes I think I don't eat meat just because it's what people are used to with me and I don't want to explain. I like going out to dance but when I'm there I'm too shy to do anything than stay close to my friends. I'm social but only after meeting the people a couple of times. When I'm with better-looking friends I'm sometimes automatically dismissed as the boring friend, the one you take with you because you sort of pity her. I write, but I never have any inspiration. Sometimes I feel like I'm lying to myself to make me think I'm more interesting than I really am. I'm a lesbian but not comfortably so, feeling like every time I think a woman is attractive it would never be the other way around, if they act nice it's just because I'm polite and know where to throw in some jokes. I do jokes at my own expense extremely well, and even though sometimes it's funny even to me, sometimes it's just tiring to always have to cover up your mistakes with humour. I try to help people but my advice is half-assed because I'm not smart enough to be professional and see what people need, or not forward enough to point it out when there's mistakes. I don't get annoyed really quickly, and when I do I dismiss is because I think they probably have a good reason for doing what they did. I don't stand up for myself because I'm afraid of confrontation, then fume silently and stew in my annoyance if I don't manage to dismiss it.I have a few close friends but I'm not keeping up with them by sending mail or something. I love the friends I have but sometimes I feel like I'll never get out of that friend-stage, the tragic case of 'always the bridesmaid', that I find cliché'd but that I still sympathise with. I'm not a challenge-- tell me I'm pretty and that you like me and that's all the compliments I need. I get on well with older people because I'm polite and enthusiastic and I'm probably a bit like their own children, only they don't have to deal with the hardships of parenthood with me. I honestly feel that I'm happy quite a lot, but when I get sad I don't want to confront anyone with it, because I don't want anyone to go out of their way, be something else than they want to be at that moment. I'm a backbone but I'm afraid to ask for support when I need it. I'm not artistic or the life of a party, I don't know a lot of interesting facts, am funny enough but not really so. Sometimes I feel like I'm not a real person because I lack any interesting qualities or talents. I can't wait to be in university and learn new things, but I don't have a passion for anything so I can't decide what to study. I smile and nod enough that people don't really think badly of themselves if they dismiss me once they don't feel like dealing with me. I run off my mouth, but not often enough for it to be an endearing quality. I'm never really motivated for anything. I like kids but not as much as I should right now. I try to make concessions to fit in but in the end I'm too selfish and end up telling myself that I ám making them to make myself feel better about failing. I have some problems, but they're never really large enough to have long conversations about them, and if I do start then I cut myself off and tell myself it's alright, I shouldn't whine, about halfway through. I'm harmless, I'm boring.

lol huge blocks of text for real.

I'd like to add a happier note but all I can thi nk of that the books I'm reading are very good.
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